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對孩子說「不」的智慧!

媽媽我想玩水,不停的玩水;媽媽我想吃糖,不停的吃糖;媽媽我不想洗澡.....這些要求,成人都可以先審視自己的邊界,一旦成人的內心做出了決定,就堅定友好的傳遞給孩子吧。沒有非黑即白的對錯之爭,只有不斷學習修正的智慧之道。

Let the Child Choose

讓孩子享受自主選擇

Choosing empowers children and makes them feel that their opinions are worth something. They will not feel ignored if they get to decide. For example, you can decline a request for candy and ask if there is a piece of fruit that they would like instead, reminding them of your explanation about the health benefits.

給予選擇的餘地,能讓孩子覺得自己的意見是有價值的。如果能由自己來決定,他們就不會感覺被忽視。例如,你可以拒絕他們濫吃糖果的請求,但同時引導孩子自主選擇一種水果作為替代。

When choosing items like breakfast cereal, pick a few viable options and allow your child the final decision rather than allowing them to pick from the whole range. Giving permission to choose anything can result in bad selections you will have to deny, undermining the importance of their opinion.

比如選擇早餐時,提供一些可行的選擇(限定範圍),讓孩子來做最終的決定。但不是讓他們大範圍漫無目地選擇,如果讓孩子任意選擇任何東西,可能導致錯誤的選擇,你又要干預和推翻,反而鬧得不開心。

2

Children hear 「no」 too many times, harming their language development and potentially causing resentment. It is entirely possible to say 「yes」 while meaning 「no.」 For example, if your child asks for a cookie, you can reply: 「Yes, you can have a cookie after dinner.」 If they ask for a new toy while shopping, say: 「Yes, if this is what you want for Christmas.」 In this way, your child has the opportunity to get what they want on a special day and learns to compromise.

如果孩子聽到太多的「不可以」,會傷害他們的語言發展,並積累太多不滿的情緒。完全有可能說「是」,但傳遞「不」的意思。例如,如果你的孩子要求吃曲奇,你可以回答:「是的,你可以在晚飯後吃曲奇。」如果他們要求一個新的玩具購物,說:「是的,如果這是你想要的,我們可以把它作為聖誕節禮物。」這樣,你的孩子有機會在特別的日子得到他們想要的東西,並學會妥協。

3

Giving alternatives can convince your child that you are not declining their request. For example: 「No, darling, you cannot have candy; you can have an apple instead」 offers an alternative and opens the door to an explanation about the health benefits of apples over candy.

給予替代品可以幫助說服你的孩子,你並沒有拒絕他們的要求。例如:「不,親愛的,你不能再吃糖了;但你可以有一個蘋果或者草莓。」提供了一個替代品,順便可以解釋蘋果為什麼比糖果更有益健康。

4

耐心解釋

It is not enough to say 「no.」 Children do not understand and are likely to repeat misbehavior unless you give an explanation. The most effective way to say 「no」 is to give valid reasons your child can understand.

光拒絕還不夠。孩子們不理解,並且可能重複那樣的行為,除非你給出解釋。說「不」的最有效的方法是給出孩子可以理解的有效理由。

5

Child Development Journal writes, 「Yelling at your kids can be just as bad as corporal punishment, and it could cause behavior problems and emotional development issues.」 The consequences of yelling at children outweigh any possible benefit of temporarily silencing them. The Journal of Marriage and Family found that yelling can cause depression and self-esteem issues. Thus, it is vital to learn to communicate in a calm and friendly manner.

《兒童發展雜誌》: 「對孩子喊叫跟體罰一樣糟糕,它可能會導致行為問題和情緒發展問題。」大聲對孩子喊叫的壞處,遠遠多於你因為得到的片刻安寧。 《婚姻與家庭雜誌》發現,吼叫可導致抑鬱症和自尊問題。因此,學習以平靜和友好的方式溝通是至關重要的。

Persistent requests are often a form of boredom. Paying attention to your child by engaging in conversation or playing with them can quickly change the object of their attention and refocus it onto something more positive.

如果孩子持久重複的要求和糾纏你,通常是因為他們感覺到無聊和被忽略了。和孩子聊天,或和他們一起玩,可以快速改變他們的注意力的對象,並重新聚焦到更積極的東西上。

6

You must be firm in delivering your first 「no」, so there is no need to reiterate. Use a serious facial expression and communicate the reasons why your child is not getting what they want. If the first 「no」 does not work, try a different approach, such as finding ways to say 「yes.」

你必須堅定地傳遞你的第一個「不」,沒有必要搖擺不定。用堅定的面部表情和孩子溝通原因,為什麼你的孩子沒有得到他們想要的。如果第一個「不可以」不起作用,請嘗試不同的方法,例如找到方法說「是」。

It is a major mistake to relent. If your child learns that they can harass you into a 「yes」, they will manipulate you incessantly.

如果你的孩子知道他們可以通過不斷的糾纏把「不」變成「是」,他們會開始學會操縱你。

Respect Their Privacy

7

Do not embarrass your child in front of other people. Get their attention, go to a private place and clearly communicate your reasons for saying 「no.」 Your child may resent you if you disrespect them in public, especially if other people make fun of them. Remember, if you embarrass your child in public, they will learn to do the same to you!

不要讓你的孩子在其他人面前感到尷尬。去私人的地方,清楚地說明你的理由。如果你在公共場合不尊重他們,你的孩子可能會反感,特別是如果其他人嘲笑他們。記住,如果你在公共場合讓孩子尷尬,他們會學會讓你尷尬!

Do not Give False Hopes

8

Parents often say: 「Not now, darling.」 If not now, when? If you fail to fulfill your implied promise, your child may start having trust issues. Give a concrete period that your child can expect to have their wish granted. For example: 「Not now, darling. We will buy that for your birthday.」

父母經常說:「現在不行,親愛的。」如果不是現在,什麼時候?如果你不履行你的承諾,你的孩子可能開始有信任問題。請給出一個具體的期限,你的孩子可以期望他們的願望能實現。例如:「不是現在,親愛的。你生日的時候我們會買的。」

Do Not Contradict Your Partner

9

Sometimes one parent will say 「no」, only to see the child go to the other parent for a 「yes.」 This can cause conflict between parents and create a manipulative habit in your child. You and your partner must communicate: it』s easy to ask whether a decision has already been made.

有時媽媽說「不」,孩子馬上去找爸爸尋求「是」。這可能導致父母之間的衝突,並創造一個有操縱習慣的孩子。您和您的合作夥伴需要達成一致。(我會跟妹妹說:你可以問問爸爸的意見。爸爸不會馬上也拒絕她,會聽她陳述,之後說:我和媽媽的看法是一樣的。)



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