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2021/12/25
演唱歌手：許靖韻 Angela Hui 歌名：《被討厭的勇氣》是一首粵語歌。蠻好聽的。
以心理學分析來說，以下這則是我目前看過分析最精闢最深入的一則影片，應該可以解出很多人自信缺氧和疲於奔命的困惑。
如果你不夠喜歡自己無法欣賞自己時，試著把自己想像成一個陌生人，你會如何去描述對方….
▲今天看了查理的這則影片，標題是《查理閒聊時間。當有很多人討厭你的影片》。她提到自己上傳一個資生堂底妝的影片，影片總時數約十二分鐘，可是影片才剛上傳僅僅一兩分鐘，她就已經收到討厭影片的response，她表示這等於很多人連影片沒有看完就討厭影片了。
司馬儀：我的想法是：討厭她的人根本是她的隱藏版鐵粉啊。根本是第一時間就看到影片的族群啊。很矛盾吧。看的出來理查那天狀態好失落好受傷。然後她會忍不住很想要focus哪些影片被討厭的人數比較多，會想要找被討厭的理由，譬如是不是相機不夠好等等。記得她在某一個影片說過，她的男友是她身邊唯一支持她做影片的人，其他人都無法理解她的工作內容。非主流，通常是相對辛苦的，特別可以理解。
害怕被討厭的背後
人際關係中的害怕大概有兩種層次，一種是害怕被討厭，一種是太努力讓自己被喜歡。害怕被討厭的一個更深層的恐懼其實是來自害怕被排擠、害怕落單、害怕一個人，也或者是害怕被貼上負面標籤。
社交的難題是一個生物鏈：人（群體動物）－自我實現（自我原則）－異己－衝突－落單－寂寞（孤獨）。所以，現在有一個東西出現了，叫做社交焦慮 （social anxiety）
如果有所謂的「社交恐懼症」，肯定是因為過去不美好的社交經驗留下的副作用。所以他們不想出門，不想認識新朋友，甚至也不想和舊朋友見面。
司馬儀：人類如果很粗糙的區分，大概可以分為強勢咖和軟軟咖。強勢咖就是不會讓自己吃虧或受委屈的那種，別人對他丟石頭，他肯定會反擊甚至加倍反擊的那種。那，軟軟咖，大概就是被捏了一把，黑青了，都不一定會吭聲的那種。
有的人可能生性樂於助人，又或者不小心就成為人們眼中標準的工具人，因為他們心太軟無法開口拒絕。濫好人會特別受歡迎嗎？其實我的觀察結果是：不會，因為濫好人的族群，相對容易被貼上「弱者」的標籤，而人們不喜歡弱者！
觀察發現，過的開心人緣特別不錯的人，通常沒有濫好人的特質，他們通常很懂得捍衛自己的權益或權利。要受歡迎的必要關鍵：當一個堅守原則的人，因為只有堅守原則，你才會被尊重！
善良≠「當一個濫好人」
當你過分漠視自己的需求，你就容易被漠視！這便是濫好人為什麼通常並不會因此格外被喜歡被尊重或被重視！若所有人的要求都答應，反而會因為產生背予取予求的形象，而不容易被尊重。自私的人大概都很難理解樂於助人的人到底在想什麼，天性強勢也很難理解為什麼有些人無法開口拒絕別人。心胸狹宰的人類還會覺得你只是想要贏得reputation人才好的誇張。
新體會：樂於助人沒有錯，你可以繼續熱於助人，但你一定要堅守你的原則，你必須有原則有邊界有底線！
同場加印：【人際．朋友】那些過得開心人緣不錯的人，通常沒有濫好人的特質
摘錄一下這本書被翻譯成英文版（The Courage to Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life, and Achieve Real Happiness） Amazon購買網址
名言佳句摘錄如下：
1“A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others; it comes from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self.”
2. “We cannot alter objective facts. But subjective interpretations can be altered as much as one likes. And we are inhabitants of a subjective world.”
3.“The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness.”
4.“It’s that you are disliked by someone. It is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in freedom, and a sign that you are living in accordance with your own principles.”
5. “Why is it that people seek recognition from others? In many cases, it is due to the influence of reward-and-punishment education.”
6.“If one really has a feeling of contribution, one will no longer have any need for recognition from others. Because one will already have the real awareness that “I am of use to someone,” without needing to go out of one’s way to be acknowledged by others. In other words, a person who is obsessed with the desire for recognition does not have any community feeling yet, and has not managed to engage in self-acceptance, confidence in others, or contribution to others.”
6.“Do Not Live to Satisfy the Expectations of Others”
7.“I have a young friend who dreams of becoming a novelist, but he never seems to be able to complete his work. According to him, his job keeps him too busy, and he can never find enough time to write novels, and that’s why he can’t complete work and enter it for writing awards. But is that the real reason? No! It’s actually that he wants to leave the possibility of “I can do it if I try” open, by not committing to anything. He doesn’t want to expose his work to criticism, and he certainly doesn’t want to face the reality that he might produce an inferior piece of writing and face rejection. He wants to live inside that realm of possibilities, where he can say that he could do it if he only had the time, or that he could write if he just had the proper environment, and that he really does have the talent for it. In another five or ten years, he will probably start using another excuses like “I’m not young anymore” or “I’ve got a family to think about now”
8. “Suppose you have placed “doubt” at the foundation of your interpersonal relations. That you live your life doubting other people—doubting your friends and even your family and those you love. What sort of relationship could possibly arise from that? The other person will detect the doubt in your eyes in an instant. He or she will have an instinctive understanding that “this person does not have confidence in me.” Do you think one would be able to build some kind of positive relationship from that point? It is precisely because we lay a foundation of unconditional confidence that it is possible for us to build a deep relationship.”
9. “Unless one is unconcerned by other people’s judgments, has no fear of being disliked by other people, and pays the cost that one might never be recognized, one will never be able to follow through in one’s own way of living. That is to say, one will not be able to be free.”
10 “A way of living in which one is constantly troubled by how one is seen by others is a self-centered lifestyle in which one’s sole concern is with the “I.”
11“Ah, but you are wrong. Those who go so far as to boast about things out loud actually have no confidence in themselves. As Adler clearly indicates, “The one who boasts does so only out of a feeling of inferiority.”
12 “The person who assumes a boasting manner when talking about his upbringing and the like, the various misfortunes that have rained down upon him. If someone should try to comfort this person, or suggest some change be made, he’ll refuse the helping hand by saying, “You don’t understand how I feel.”
相關字： Ichiro Kishimi, 幸せになる勇気。How To Get The Courage to Be Disliked, change maker, principle, the value of being disliked, self-respect, self-love, confidence, public criticism, conflict, social slight, loneliness, fear, Are You Afraid of Being Alone, amuse yourself, life skill, social anxiety, public speaking, interpersonal relationship
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