Novella: Old Love Without Shame, Drama and Trauma - Getting Closer to God's Voice 1985

I was seen falling to the ground. I don’t give it a damn myself. No self-depreciation, no trauma. No social bias and prejudice, no trauma and no failure. There’s just beginnings and endings to any relationship. That’s it. People come and go. Some stay and some leave without notice. And you might be the one who prefers to leave. I am much willing to give. That’s my thing. But I won’t stay long for people who are not worthy of my time, attention and affection for sure.
A lost- love will eventually become a chapter in history, and you may forget everything about it after ten years or something. Tonight’s lullaby would be the song “beautifully broken” by Ashlee Simpson. The lyrics are so beautiful. I am tempted to remember the melody of every beat.

Breakups were often brewed. There was a prelude. You guys were still together on Facebook, and you smelled the aura of breaking up beforehand consciously or not. It’s something like a disaster drill. I knew it and I was disoriented for a while, doing nothing at all.  His attention drifted to somewhere. He was another man after that night. What was the smell of unfaithfulness? It was an ill-treated taste.

It was another love experiment, another misjudgment for a man. I won’t allow myself to exaggerate my sorrow. That not fit me. I don’t want to be the drama lady in the TV series. I don’t want to get a hangover for the sake of a terrible relationship. I don’t want to act stupid. I am not looking for sympathy or compassion.  I would rather keep my grace and elegance with tears or not. There’s a limited. And there are certain rules.  

A short-lived love relationship is not quailed to be labeled as a tragedy. Do we need shinning tears to memorize the old relationship? No need. It’s not a great love. Thus, the sorrow for a common love relationship lacks legitimacy. Tears had been falling down. He’s the titled Mr. Wrong. No big deal. If there’s pain, it’s not justified to cry for a Mr. Terrible. The only thing hurts is that I am not psychologically prepared to end a close relationship. I wasn’t psychologically prepared to embrace a breakup.

Perhaps, destiny is the key decider. It’s the easiest explanation to shake off the responsibility and everyone can get be relieved. Infatuation can’t last for decades. People agreed on it. Dating is so easy and too easy for most people. And then, we mistake infatuation as love.

“If one day, I don’t love you that much, or you stop loving me. We should be honest with ourselves. We should never tell lies to each other. We will be mature, calm and collected. We will handle it like an adult rather than being childish and willful. Thus, if one day you stop loving me, be sure to notify me first. I don’t want to be the last one to receive the notice.” We made a consensus that unfaithfulness is not a crime. But, he was not allowed to date two women simultaneously. He was off the track. And he failed to offer me any explanation. Years later, I found the explanation he had not given me. His resistance to temptation was about zero, but why? Perhaps, unfaithfulness does have something to do with character, self-discipline or personality issue. Some people never cheat. And it can be a piece of cake for some people. It’s called impulsive behavior.

We were high school students. He kneeled down and he was acting like an obedient sheep. He was so much like a faithful pet that I had once owned. His facial experience is sincere. It doesn’t matter if there is a ring made by cola or not. There’s no ring and I said yes to his marriage proposal. He said every word and promise word or by word.

Maybe I got it wrong. He said that he loved me. He seems so sincere without faking or trick. He had been gentle and attentive for two years and eight months. I used to treat what he said as a proverb. Clever as I was, I never had any backup plan for my future. He was my only blueprint for my next decade. Without him, the blueprint can be another thing. I was at a loss for a while. I ate and slept on a regular basis. My ability to sing was gone for a long time. Some parts of my might be crying hard inside. But it’s not my nature to show weakness to the public. I hate fake compassion. I don’t want to be the topic of another gossip.

His love confessions fail to fight against time difference. He is not the one to blame. I should blame love instead. Love is essentially unreliable and untrustworthy. We thought love is reliable. At bottom, it’s a wrong hypothesis. It may be a joke that everyone hypothesizes forever love as the commonplace thing.

As we broke up, I thought about the problems between us. We have been ignoring each our problems for a long time. There was something wrong and I intentionally ignored it. I thought those problems would not shake our relationship. Blank dialogues were cruel and there was no escape. We can’t find something we can share in common. There was no sparkle, no happiness to celebrate. The temperature of infatuation is cooling down. Our love is much like a favored stale bread, which is too bad to take a bite nor thrown away. The message of helpless is everywhere. After a decade, I came to realize that falling in love with someone with persistence, responsibility and enthusiasm was what I thought of love.

I thought we would be together for a lifetime. I thought we never break up. I thought the breakup would never be something real. In the end, we are still strangers. We can only strangers, but we cannot be strangers who are able to hang out without pain.
“The decision is made. I couldn’t bother myself or you anymore.” This is the end of our relationship. A hug is a promise of ending on a good note.

The last gentleness to W is to let go of a wronged me and a tiresome him. The track of fate repeatedly swayed and reorganized. The layered memories faded. Our connection was gone. We both survived in our own individual lives. There is no evidence of the past love in the PC.
At the airport, he said that he still loved me. I have tried hard to believe that every tone of his statement is coming out of sincerity. He is good at gentleness, but he is not good at faithfulness. He had changed. There was no one to blame. His attention had drifted to somewhere but me. And his decisions or future life would never put me into consideration anymore. Without love and infatuation, everything about me is just his burden.

Classification: Novella 

state: unfinished. 

Author: Underground Princess (Chinese pen name:司馬儀) 

tag: Breaking-Up, Love and  Relationships , Fiction, Books, novella